in you I take refuge. (Psalm 16:1 NABRE)
Do I really believe God keeps me safe?
How could I possibly reconcile this with the cruel suffering imposed on people exactly because they believe the same things I do? How do I make sense of all the martyrs who have died for this faith we share? And how is it that a merciful God could allow even his own son to be humiliated, tortured and murdered on a cross? Is it at all smart to take refuge in God? In reality, it seems he has no interest in protecting his most faithful followers or even his son. Why then, would he guard me? And from what?
Here's what I believe: There is good and there is evil. Each of us has to contend with evil approaching us in many disguises and from every direction. Each of us is called to seek good over evil--in our minds and hearts, in our words and actions. This is difficult. Surprisingly difficult. Supremely difficult. Constantly difficult. Frankly, my experiences have repeatedly shown this is beyond my abilities.
Here's what I understand: There have been innumerable times in my life, when I've been hanging over the edge of a dark pit at the end of a (sometimes very long) rope and too tired to hold on; completely fatigued, I've let go of the rope only to find I did not fall into the dark pit but instead found myself standing safely on solid ground able to see down into the pit that almost claimed my life. Every time I stand on that ledge looking down, considering how I could be there or why, I know only that it was not my power that put me there. And so sometimes for a little while I remember to stop looking down and to look up instead.
Here is one example: Not long after my mother died, during a time when I had begun trusting too much in my own cleverness and sense of accomplishment, I had a very vivid dream. The dream was dark and I could see nothing. It was just a voice, and it was short, but I'll never forget it. It was Mom's voice and it was as clear as if she was standing next to me. She said simply You are so angry. I couldn't speak, I couldn't see her, and I remember feeling desperate knowing she would leave. At the time, I could not focus on her words. I could only think how much I wanted her to stay. And after staying just long enough to repeat her statement two more times, she did leave and I woke up.
Though I missed the point at the time, I can say that since having the dream, I often remember her words to me. Most often, it is just after I become unreasonably angry at something small. Sometimes I am lucky enough to remember her words before saying or doing anything hurtful. I count both as real blessings.
Each time I consider it, I experience relief, great joy and humility. I am relieved to know that my situation does not have to end in evil. I am joyful to recognize the many ways God can use us to protect each other. And I am humbled by the protection this dream continues to give me. Can I explain or prove that this is all connected? I can state it is my honest experience. Prove me wrong. :-)
Have you ever found yourself unable to hang on? Have you ever thought of letting go of the rope?
Today, I will trust in God's endless mercy and inexhaustible compassion as my refuge in difficult moments, so that with great joy and confidence I can submit myself to his will, which is love and mercy itself.
Servant of God Joseph Perez, who endured persecution and death for his faith in Mexico in 1928, pray for us.
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